Cold and Broken Hallelujah 

Yesterday didn’t seem to end. Technically it did, and a new day began just a couple of hours ago, fresh and new. But gosh was it rough. 

A sampling:

– appt for dog grooming in which they not only don’t clip her nails (dog snaps) but they bathe her and she’s covered in blood when I pick her up. (A little scab got “washed off”…). Yes, I still paid. 

– Toddler doesn’t nap.

– Therefore while nursing baby, toddler paints his shoes on our living room table. Yes, I said paint. Orange and blue, if you’re curious. 

– As I clean that up, I put him upstairs (behind gate) so he won’t spread paint around the entire house. Instead, he pulls out all the Christmas wrapping paper from the closet and trashes it. (Why do I pretend to buy sale paper like I can actually use it a year later?! Not with two boys that’s for sure. Maybe in a different season in life!) 

– Toddler is back downstairs pulling up floor trim. Yes, wooden trim on our floor. 

– Dinner is chicken nuggets and crackers for toddler and me. For like … the third time in two days. 

– Baby crying. 

– Toddler crying. 

– Mommy crying. 

– Mommy drinks a beer. 

Etc etc. 

My husband came to the rescue. I got a short evening nap and a shower and felt better. Thanks, babe.

But later I was nursing – again – and I watched a viral mommy rendition of the “hallelujah” song and bawled my eyes out. Not just because I could relate to her day via her lyrics. One in which baby doesn’t seem satisfied and toddler does it “all by himself”… And where mommy is TIRED…

But because in the end, I felt shamed and broken as I listened. 

And then I cried out my own hollow hallelujah. Mercy.

Hallelujah – some praise in the midst of strife. It wasn’t easy. I’m not sure if it was 100% genuine (sorry), but it helped me push away the guilt and sadness and smile at bedtime while reading the same ridiculous book for the 49th time this week. It helped me laugh with my husband while we watched our silly shows on the DVR. It helped me fold the LAST load of clothes (until the next one, am I right?) with gratitude. 

All of this from forcing out a cold and broken-down hallelujah. 

The day was rough, but it ended peacefully. 

A new day comes. Hallelujah!