“Happiness is doing God’s will.”
I remember when I heard that during a homily at church and the light bulb went off. All these books, all of the pondering, all of the blogs – nothing had really nailed it quite like that.
Well, the next obvious question is – What does God desire of me? What is my mission? Am I doing God’s will?
Logically, if I feel unhappy, does that mean I’m not?
(How did I not think of this before?)
I haven’t been honest with you all.
UV being here has been WONDERFUL, seriously, for real, not lying. But it’s also been about 89.2% roses and 10.8% thorns. Not perfection. It never will be. And that’s super frustrating.
Because life’s not perfect, right? (Yeah, not a consolation – still frustrated.)
It isn’t meant to be though; I know that.
If we play our hand well, this is just a preview. A short little glimmer of beauty before the final curtain. Backstage is where the magic happens… Eternal life. No one talks about it. It isn’t the star of the show. In our time and culture, the lead role is ME. What’s happening with ME. Why do I feel this way. Me me me, now now now. I want THIS. It’s in my CONTROL. YEP! ALL POWERFUL ME – NOW.
And that’s sorta-semi-ok sometimes. We’re human (grace). Imperfect, as we all know (grace).
All of this to say, I’ve been torn up lately. Torn up because I feel like – though this visit has been a blessing for UV and for us (roses) – I have no idea what to do next (more thorns).
There is no “perfect” answer.
My heart and brain and body say YES and say NO simultaneously.
(My life isn’t perfect. We aren’t perfect for hosting an orphan.)
Life isn’t perfect, but we get glimpses… perspective shift… maybe that 10.8% isn’t thorns so much as a small, lovely, HARD taste of what we have to do to get to heavenly perfection.
Life is messy, beautiful, dusty, kind, rainy, sunshine-y, spit-up-py, happy-giggly, poopy, sparkly, cruel, mean, crazy, and jaw-dropping blissful joy.
So, without focusing so much on myself…
What will you have me do, Lord?
“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?”
“Here I am,” I said; “send me!”” – – Isaiah 6:8
PS – I am not completely clueless. I am most happy when mothering. I’m a mom. Mothering is my mission. It’s just the next step of my mothering mission that’s confusing. Lord, help me. Love you xo